30 Days of DevOps, Day 8-lol: An Unholy Creation

Today will NOT be know as Taco Tuesday, but FREEDOM FRIDAY! ... ...but STILL! ON! A TUESDAY! -W. Style (aka Lucy) I! AM! A MASTER BUILDER! -T. Special (aka Emmett)
If you haven't seen The Lego Movie yet. I have nothing to say to you. Stop. Stop right now. Turn off your computer/iPhone/Galaxy Tab/Chumby, stop looking at a screen, and go spend too much money to look at a bigger screen, and go see The Lego Movie. All this inanity will be waiting for you when you get back, I promise. Up to speed? Good. So the progress on this project has been, well, let us just call it "modest". But I have been cobbling together an interesting Franken-cloud with the rapidly diminsihing time-based free credits I received on the various cloud platforms I've been tinkering with. So I've got:
  • Puppet Enterprise running on Azure - Hey, I've got the most $$$ on Azure, the Puppet Enterprise trial is good until the end of May, and the whole idea of "The Cloud" is who cares where it's running, right? *psst, people will still TOTALLY CARE, and I'm sure *nix devs will hate Azure for one reason or another. wha-ERRR* So, with the help of this module, we then go from our Puppet Enterprise Master over to...
  • Google Cloud Platform, more specifically mostly Google Compute Engine. I gotta burn up that $500 credit for signing up by June 1st, so it's 8 cores from hell to breakfast. Here, I've been doing all kinds of whakcadoodle stuff. Poorly. And you'll never see it, because my VMs don't even get the courtesy of being taken behind the barn before they get a grossly misplaced 0.228" ear piercing. It's all like "Mornin', Boss. You see the Sox stink it up last whoaWHOAWHATDON'TPOINTTHATINFAC*BLAM*" And yes, it usually happens in the morning, like some kind of Kurtzweilian one night stand, because I was drunk enough to wonder what it would be like to make it with a Docker container.
  • AWS. Ummmmm. Yeah. t1micros are beating out CoverOregon (topical!) for usefulness, but not by much. Mostly, they function as another SSH jumping-off point because every time something doesn't work as expected, I assume that there's a MS engineer who got made fun of at some convention by a bunch of DevOps bros that is intentionally fucking with the OpenSSH's apt-get packages on Microsoft's default sources.list. Oh, and yeah, that's weird, to run apt-get update and see urls that start with azure.archive and end with ubuntu.com.
So what have I learned as I approach the 2/3rds mark? Or pass it? Whatever.
  • Sometimes, if you are really careful not to fork and send a pull request for anything that is remotely critical to a Git repo on github.com, and totally fuck up your commit with your newbitude, people will be far too nice and help you along like a scared, helpless three-legged dog. They will even do a good job of striking that balance of not paying too much attention to your three-leggedness while still treating you like a QuatraCanis. How? Oh, like, throwing a stick really far for you would be a dick move. Instead, they will do something that dogs enjoy that a three legged variant is capable of, like playing tug-of-war with said stick. But not pulling too hard. Because that would also be a dick move. If you are thoroughly confused now, my work here is done. But maybe one day you will read github.com/dotcloud/docker/blob/master/docs/sources/installation/google.md, and you will say to yourself..."How is it that 3-legged mutt isn't dead yet"?
  • The more HTML5-y a site is for an FLOSS product that is purporting to "Make DevOps/VMs/Containers/Dev Environments/App Deploys/etcetcetc easy!" has a direct inverse relation to the amount of real, useful, actual documentation. Yes, Devs, I know you are all very good at commenting your code. But that is not documentation. PDFs are shitty for restaurant websites, but pretty helpful if you've got some crazy Voltron-esque thing made up of the Ruby lion, the LXC lion, the Chef lion, and I'm running out of good FLOSS apps to tie to lions before I commit something to this post that someone will be able to snicker at and say "Puh! Chef and IPython? Fuckin' idiot" *ed note: refer back to any post that clearly states I have NO IDEA what I'm doing here*. And BTW if you showed a Man page to 99% of the people on earth right now, regardless of language. they would probably kill themselves. So yeah, maybe some good howtos might be nice.
  • Stop. Just... slow down. I can't... wait. WAIT. I remember that, I saw that a few days ago, maybe I can fix this dependen... NO, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THIS INSTANCE PORTABLE. God. What? No, I already have a plan for this... oh, well yeah, actually, being able to run two commands to configure everything does sound pretty good. Okay, yeah! Let's try this. wget, dpkg -i, here we go....... FUCK. FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCK. I love you, crazy Amazon rain forest ecosystem of cloud dev tools. But you are seriously bringing me down with the amount of time I spend chasing my tail, trying to figure out A) what you all do, B) why anyone picks one thing over another, and C) whether it's worth getting under the hood, or just trying to make it work. You know, like Windows.
So mostly I've learned how to complain about the job that I am aspiring to. Which, when you think of what I am trying to get away from, is ironic, to say the least. And now I need to take my leave of you, Internet, and go make myself a t-shirt on CafePress;



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